


Tony Stark: Sex God

by cydonic



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-31
Updated: 2012-05-31
Packaged: 2017-11-06 09:16:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/417226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cydonic/pseuds/cydonic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's an undisputed title, Tony thinks, but all these people praying to him are getting in the way - he's busy trying to seduce Pepper right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony Stark: Sex God

It happens for the first time when Tony is forced to endure their quarterly financial meeting. So far he hasn't attended one without interrupting and/or passing out during Greg's boring speeches. Tony can't help it - brilliant minds need stimulation, and that's just what he got on this day.

' _Dear Tony, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend fakes her orgasms. What should I do to blow her mind? Amen.'_

The thought in his brain startles him so completely that he sits upright, knocking over the elaborate pen structure he'd been making with an appropriate (for the situation), "what the  _fuck_?"

Greg, Tony is certain, is due for Sainthood, because he smiles and continues on with his speech.

Pepper kicks him under the desk and scowls at him quite obviously. She used to text him to pay attention, but after the last time Tony had answered her with fifteen different texts, the most PG-13 of all being  _'what are you wearing under that skirt? I hope it's nothing.'_  well... she'd quite given up.

Now Tony just got kicked for his trouble.

 _Fucking amateurs._  Tony thought to himself in regards to the idea that had crossed his own mind not two minutes ago.

' _Hey - that didn't help.'_

Came the returning thought, and Tony clamped down on another outburst for the sake of his shins.  _What the fuck is this?_ Tony thought back - God, that was a weird thing to think. Thinking back at someone. It was like replying to a question, only Tony wasn't quite sure  _how_  one directed a thought at someone.

For good measure he turned to Pepper and thought about her removing all her clothes.

He couldn't tell if it had worked because her glare did not vary in its intensity.

There was an answering thought, though, and Tony's day was just getting weirder and weirder.  _'Someone said to pray to you for advice. Not sure if I'm going crazy or what. Amen.'_

Tony was well and truly stumped.  _Ever heard of the clitoris?_  Tony answered, and then added  _and leave me alone._

' _Praise be'_ was the somewhat unwanted response Tony got.

Then he was free to continue trying to construct a pendulum out of a couple of ballpoint pens and some elastic bands.

It was the most attentive he'd been in a meeting to date.

–––

After the meeting Tony goes home and Pepper stays to smooth things out. Tony maintains that she's wasting her time, but apparently Miss Potts is an avid time waster and does so against his cautions.

He's only just set foot in the house when his phone vibrates.

_From: Pepper_

_Time: 12:54pm_

_Message: People will believe anything._

And several links on the bottom. Tony clicks on each of them in turn, discovering in the space of two minutes that 'Tony Stark: Sex God' is not only trending on twitter but is also a Facebook page possessing over 100,000 likes.

The idea has been created by some man who claimed the Great Lord Stark himself informed him of how to please his girlfriend not a half an hour ago.

No one thought to ask the man  _why_  he was praying to another, very much  _non-fictional_  man about his sex life.

It didn't take long for Tony to find out just  _what_  they were thinking, and it all came in a very irritating barrage of thoughts.

' _Tony, my boyfriend keeps biting my nipples. It's gross. How can I make him stop? Amen.'_

' _Sex God, help a brother out? I wanna bone this chick so bad but she's frigid as fuck. What would you recommend?'_

' _Dear Tony, my boss keeps making nasty comments to me in the hall. Do you know what I should do?'_

Of which were the select few Tony chose to answer, as following:

_Bite his dick._

_Be me. Failing that, be a gentleman._

_Turn that sexual harassment into something purely sexual. You'll like it. So will he._

It didn't stop the thoughts coming, though, and he almost missed the text Pepper sent him.

_From: Pepper_

_Time: 1:08pm_

_Message: If you send back an 'I told you so', I will ensure that you become the Abstinence God. Think about it._

–––

It's not a short-lived burst of fame, either. Tony is the biggest thing on the internet, and doesn't he know it? As soon as one thought comes in, it's like a hundred others following it. He had plans on updating the suit, but that isn't happening anytime soon.

Tony is lying on the couch, arm draped over his eyes, trying to struggle through the headache that comes with being the most popular, glorified sexual advice column in the world.

It feels like he's spent hours educating idiots on certain parts of female and male anatomy which they have been getting very, very wrong. Jesus - it was like he'd written the manual on sexual intercourse and no one else figured it out. Pathetic.

"Mister Stark,  _what_  are you doing?" Pepper asks, and Tony  _nearly_  jumps. Then again, Pepper is almost always around, so it's not much of a surprise - or it shouldn't be. He shifts the hand off his eyes to look at her: hands on hips, slight frown. She must have sent him some work to do. Or called a few hundred times.

' _Tony, how do I let my girlfriend know I want her to experiment with girls without sounding weird?'_

Tony smirks at her. "Answering prayers, Miss Potts. What does it look like?"

_Tell her she looks beautiful, but she'd look better with her face between the thighs of another woman. You're welcome._

–––

As much fun as Tony is having, the whole Sex God bit is starting to get old.

The aspirin recommended dosage is starting to look more like a vague guideline, and he's sure he should be dead by now. It doesn't help the headache - people crowding your head will do that to you, Tony supposes.

He braves the outdoors once, two days after being crowned Sex God of the world. There's people standing by the gate to his estate, as if camping out for a concert. Tony is smug, even as  _'Mister Stark, I can never make my boyfriend cum from head, what should I do?'_  crosses his mind and he answers quickly with  _like an ice cream, sweetheart, lick and suck - no biting, though._

The reporters who are sitting down jump to their feet as he approaches, and he's sure the camera flash is making his dark eyes look worse. Tony leans against the gate shielding him from the world outside, cocking one hip out the side and sliding his arms up the bars.

Okay, he  _might_  be playing the Sex God bit up just a little.

Two reporters swoon, and he can't contain his amusement. "Questions, then?" He purrs to a lady nearby who looks like all the blood has rushed to her face. Were their positions reversed, his blood would have run elsewhere.

She stammers something out: "how are you doing with the, ah... your new status, Mister Stark?" It's as if she's four years old and the world sex daren't pass her lips.

"It's great. But I would like some privacy." Tony says, spotting the crowd starting to disperse somewhere to the back, narrowing his eyes slightly. "I hear  _Cosmo_  has a wonderful sealed section. It would definitely do to answer some questions without bothering me."

All the women in the audience (and some men, Tony is not the one to talk down the effect he has on people) are staring straight at him. One camera has panned upwards without anyone seeming to care. Okay - short of the mind invasion, Tony could get used to this. But who is he kidding? People act like this around him anyway. Tony laughs, and the camera flash blinds him.

And then the seas part completely and Pepper stands there, glaring at him.

"Miss Potts, got a prayer I can deal with?" Tony asks, reaching one hand through the gap in the bars to grab at her.

She avoids him, stepping back easily. "Mister Stark, I'm certain there are many adult clubs who would fully endorse your position right now." Her eyes look him up and down, unimpressed, but Tony winks at her anyway. "But I do not. Stand up." She swats at his hand with a piece of paper before letting herself in a sidegate.

"Never any fun, Miss Potts." Tony said with a pout, turning to walk by her shoulder, effectively cutting off the impromptu press conference.

–––

This is all really inconvenient right now.

Tony Stark never denied his status as a Sex God (and many women have sung his praises in the past), but right now people praying to him for advice is kinda awkward because he's in the middle of trying to seduce Pepper Potts.

And by  _in the middle of_  he means several years in, but Tony's  _sure_  he's making progress now.

He sits at the table, ignoring several requests about the infamous g spot, eyes trained on Pepper as she signs papers. "Mister Stark." Tony says nothing, and continues to stare. Pepper at last heaves a sigh, and puts her pen down. "Tony. Is there a problem?"

"No." Tony answers brightly, smiling now that Pepper's attention is on him. "When do you finish today?"

Pepper rolls her eyes. "When I'm done working. Which, because of you being...  _you_ , will likely not be until later tonight." Her pen is back in her hands and she is signing more work, occasionally writing notes in the margins and linking them into the text with cute little circles and arrows.

"Do you want dinner?" Tony asks, just a little bit amused by her apparent suffering.

Pepper doesn't look up when he speaks. "I bought pizza. I told you about an hour ago. It's in the fridge."

Tony blinked. An hour ago. He was sure he was doing something at that point. Thinking, probably. It was all he did now.

"You know, this prayer thing is all very funny, but you doing  _work_  would be much appreciated." Pepper was now looking at him, and Tony was forced to ignore a  _very_  suggestive thought in his head that was more porn than prayer.

Halfway through formulating a response Tony realised that Pepper was still there, and focused on her again. "It's not like I'm making it up."

Pepper gave him the look Tony knew well - the  _do you think I was born yesterday Anthony Edward Stark?_  look. "Yes, of course. Do you correspond via text?" She asked very sarcastically. Pepper was quite a sarcastic person, once you knew her. Tony found it very amusing because she covered it up almost perfectly around people, and they thought she was asking honest questions.

"It's more telepathic, Miss Potts. But a good guess all the same."

With a snort, Pepper shook her head and returned to her work.

"That was a no to dinner, then?" Tony asked, tilting his head to try and catch what she was doing.

"Pizza in the fridge, Mister Stark." Any further lines of enquiry - what are you doing? what colour is your underwear? can I guess? - were met with silence.

Tony slunk away and tried to figure how to reply to the porny prayer from earlier.

–––

There was no end in sight.

Tony had resigned himself to spending the rest of his life in bed, cursed with a constant influx of ridiculous requests that he really couldn't be bothered answered. Maybe if he stopped replying they would think about how absolutely  _crazy_  this whole thing is and they'd give it up.

"Mister Stark, get out of bed." Pepper sounds defeated.

If Tony is right, this is the fifth time she's come in. A record. Normally he gives up by now to pester her.

"Please."

It's the first time she'd tried anything other than demanding and threatening him out of bed. Tony lifts his head miserably from the pillow it was buried beneath. "My head hurts." He moans, ignoring the next influx of thoughts.

"That's wonderful. My ear hurts because everyone wants to know  _where you are_." And back to business. Tony retreats back under the pillow, but Pepper has already taken control of his room. Jarivs - betrayer - has lightened the windows and he can't ignore Pepper's voice explaining to him all the meetings he's missing right now.

Tony really doesn't care.

The pillow is removed forcibly from on top of his head, and Tony lets out a rather pathetic whine. "What will it take to get you out of bed, Mister Stark?" Pepper is always one for these compromises - Tony knows in the end it will go one of two way: either he indulges her, and she gets what she wants, or he sticks to his guns and gets what he wants.

The compromise very rarely ends in Pepper and Tony  _actually_  meeting halfway. "You getting into it might do the trick." Tony said, perking up - as he did - whenever the opportunity to make a sexual reference came up. "Or it might do the opposite, now that I think about it."

The pillow promptly met his face again, and Tony couldn't hear Pepper leaving over the sound of his own laughter.

–––

It took two weeks for everything to die down.

Some terrible boy band aimed at pre-teen girls became the new sex idols, underaged as they were, and Tony Stark was surprisingly happy. The silence that came after was deafening - as if it had been so long since  _quiet_  that the lack of thoughts in his head was shocking.

It might have been an inopportune time, as he and Pepper were navigating the press at the opening of a new wing of Stark Industries, but Tony pulled her into a sudden hug that pulled her clean off the ground. Pepper squealed (it was cute) and yelled something about appropriateness in the workplace.

Tony had never much cared for that, but he did put her down.

"It's over!" Tony cried, and Pepper stared at him quite blankly. "The prayers! It's over!"

Pepper got another well-known look on her face -  _you've got to be kidding me_ , only (probably) with more expletives - and grabbed his arm. "Not right now, Mister Stark." She ground out between clenched teeth and a very obviously forced smile for the press. Pepper dragged him through the doors of the building and out of the scope of the cameras.

Tony had a spring in his step, and Pepper looked like she was about to try and castrate him with the heel of her shoe.

He wasn't even able to focus on her grumbling about what the press would think now because, for the first time in  _forever_ , Tony Stark could hear himself think.

And boy, did he miss the sound of his own thoughts.

–––

Tony had dragged Rhodey out to imbibe some celebratory drinks, and somewhere into the dozens his companion left him alone. Though Tony liked to drink, drinking alone really wasn't his thing - not when he had a reason to drink and be merry. When he was working, sure, the odd scotch or two alone were perfectly acceptable.

Resigning himself to bed, Tony was caught by a figure sitting in his lounge room. He and Rhodey had been drinking in the workshop for the past few hours, and so finding Pepper still around was... surprising.

She looked up from her laptop, typing pausing only briefly to take him all in before starting up again. "You're drunk."

"And you should've joined us." Tony said, flopping down onto the couch beside Pepper, resting his head on her shoulder and attempting to read what she was writing.

Pepper's nose wrinkled. "No, thank you."

"It's late. What are you doing?" Tony asked, judging the time to be somewhere near midnight based on how dark it was outside.

"Trying to clear up our image after that stunt you pulled at the opening yesterday." Pepper sounded frustrated.

Tony frowned. "Earlier today."

"It's one in the morning. Yesterday." Pepper repeated. "They're printing articles about our secret relationship everywhere as we speak." Despite her concerns about that, though, Pepper shut her laptop and placed it on the coffee table before holding her head in her hands.

Tony didn't know how to react. "I'm sorry?" He ventured, but there was no answer from Pepper. "We could just say that we're in a relationship, then there'd be no need for secrets to be published." Halfway through speaking Tony had lost track of his own thoughts, but he was sure the conclusion he arrived at made enough sense.

Pepper picked herself up and turned to look at him, not angry, as Tony had expected, but softly curious. "We're not  _in_  a relationship, Tony. That's why we can't just say that."

"We practically are." Tony said, letting his drunk mind take control of his logic for now. Pepper said it was always a bad idea, but things usually worked out fine for him. "You're on my couch at one in the morning."

Pepper smiled fondly - now Tony was  _sure_  something bad was about to happen - and settled one hand on his thigh. "You may have been a Sex God, but maybe a Dating God could help you out here."

Tony laughed, placing his hand on hers. "And why is that?"

"You have to at  _least_  take me to dinner before we date." Pepper said, standing up and brushing off her suit. "And that doesn't include ordering something in, Tony."

For a moment, Tony was speechless. "Really? That's all?" He asked, feeling like a light had suddenly been turned on and illuminated all the mysteries of Pepper Potts.

Dinner. Dinner was the key.

"That's all, Mister Stark. For a start." Pepper said with a smile. "Goodnight." And she disappeared down the hall.

–––

"I told you I didn't need any dating help." Tony said, leaning down to nip at Pepper's earlobe as she writhed on the bed below him. Her hands made white-knuckled fists in the sheets, and Tony was smug - Sex God. Still had it.

"Lovely - Tony. Really." Pepper said, cracking open her eyes to glare at him until he shifted  _just so_  and she let out a high-pitched noise, not quite unlike when she was very, very angry at him. But better, for obvious reasons.

Tony lay beside her on the bed, a wide smirk on his lips. "That's how your world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper." And then he leaned forward to kiss her nose as Pepper's eyes focused on him. "The bang certainly helped, though, didn't it?"

Pepper's mouth opened and closed a couple of times, and Tony just watched her with amusement. "You - actually  _use_  those lines on people?"

Tony laughed. "Sex God. Of course I did."

And then Pepper laughed too, one hand holding onto his hip as if to keep herself grounded.

"Something funny, Miss Potts?" Tony asked, frowning as she did not seem anywhere near stopping.

"I just-" She attempted, and then starting laughing again, burying her face against his chest. "I pity the people who took advice from you"

Tony scowled, looking quite affronted. "Chicks love that sort of thing. If you're not into the literary quotes, how about physics? I'm sure you'd love the Schrodinger's Cat line." Tony said, and then leaned down to whisper in her ear. "I'll give you a hint - it isn't the literal sort of cat."

Pepper just started laughing again, and Tony was sure he could feel tears on his naked chest.

"Really, Pepper, in the presence of a God?" Tony sniffed. "Rude."


End file.
